9 days off Doubts already brewing

GOT MY KIDS

okay, I have not had the chance to play as of late, I had my children for a week, in my head when I planned this pursuit I thought I would have a lil help when I got my children, after this week I now know I can not rely on the X for anything, I asked her if she could please respect my work and just take the kids for 4 hours a day, Not negoitable no way, I guess her reasoning is I only see the kids for a week a month and I need to spend as much time as possible with them, I tried everything, Money, comprimise and anything else I could think of to get her to help me, I really love my kids but now I feel like I have been forced to choose between this pursuit and my kids. No brainer right, wrong, Im choosing the pursuit My heart feels so much pain that I could ever choose anything over my kids is crushing me. If I have to go the next 8 months without seeing my kids I will, My lease is up a part of me wants to run to a cabin and not return until its done, I feel like Im changing as a person and it may not be for the best, a part of me hates the mother of my kids a little more because she is just a worthless nothing. It was okay when she was the love of my life because at least she was my worthless nothing.

How can any parent choose something anything over there children its disgusting, I spent my whole life rescenting my mom for it and when I was with the "X" her mom chose a man over her kids as well. I promise I will come back for them when this is all over, there really is no chance that the x would ever let that happen, she knows our kids need there father and if she has to drop them off on my door step she will. I just need help I cant grind 40 tables and watch my kids im not that talented, the games are to slow at night when i finally have a chance to play, Im using this blog to just say whats in my heart, I love my kids but I cannot fail this pursuit, I cant, I wont, its whats important to me, its what help me not feel the pain anymore, when I stop playing and I stop the pursuit its like I have to deal with the heart sinking feeling that just stays constant in my chest, I have a good heart i really do but i have to do this for me i feel for my life to have any meaning its pretty sad so kids go back with there mother on friday and my mom convinces me to go to the family reunion in nevada

Trip to nevada

Before I tell you what happen on my trip I need you guys to understand a little part of my life, I come from a long Line of sick gamblers, My mom, grandma, aunt, uncle, sister,granpa all were really big on gambling, when I was growing up my family reunions were held in casinos, my mom use to just feel my pocket with quarters and leave me in the arcade. Trips to disneyland for vacation, HELL NO, you mean trips to Excalibur is where are family vacations were held, being a week back on pursuit what the fuck did 2 more days even mean anyways

arrived at tropicana in laughlin Nevada at 10 am on saturday, droped off bags and straight to the bar, asked for a shot of tequila and a budweiser, drop 100 in keno playing 2 dollar spins for some dumb reason in 10 minutes and moved on, I lose at everything I touch but just preceed to drink drink drink and drink some more, at 1am in the morning down around 1k at this point i decide to walk across the street to the colorado bell and play poker to limit my losses play until 4am we are about 4 or 5 handed and I let the F word slip, The nazi dealer raises his voice and tells me if hears it again he's picking up my chips, just talked to me in a bad tone, He over did it on the warning, obviously it made me snap, "excuse me" I said, "first Off FUCK YOU and give me a rack im cashing out, and congradulations you just finished off the game, Don't threaten me to pick up my chips up, You think its a luxury for me to play here," oh yea security is bored leaning over the wall of the poker room and heard everything as well as me drop the f word. I cash out dealer cashes me out as well guess he was multi tasking cant remember doesnt say shit and i go back across the way, Finally go back up to room at 6am and realized I have just drank for 20 hours straight, Now I dont drink everday, but every trip i make to the casino is exactly like this, this is not the 1st time i have drank for 3 days and slept avg of 3 hours a night for some reason casino give me an immunity to alcohol to make me be able to not get really drunk, I feel like Im never drunk when im there and i take shots alot when ordering beers mixing shit your not suppose to. bed time 6 am slept till 11am 5 hours sleep and go back down stairs feeling like shit, only thing that fixes this feeling is another cocktail here we go again,

SUNDAY

we are leaving 9 am monday, sunday was exactly like saturday except I won 300 or something I think i was down like 1200 on trip which kinda makes me mad cause i usually roll them dice a lil better than that :) gamble gamble gamble drink drink drink, meet some people smoke some dank gets real late, and keeps getting later, without realizing it part to the fact that my phone went dead 9 am came up quick,
so now at this point ive been drinking 17 hours straight, I had forgot to go to sleep oh well time to pack up and leave, Im starting to think I dont even need a room when at a casino i can just live on the floor, trip was exactly 47 hours
6 spent sleeping and 41 spent drinking and gambling, get home at noon and pass out around 2pm, just woke up and man wtf happen this weekend i mean i know cause im writing about it but jesus christ im ready to stay at my computer until wsop when i may decide to play an event, tl;dr