Is it over

The Downswing continued.  I  new coming into this that a downswing could be devastating.  I just didn't know it would be this bad.  If you look at my graph you'll see that this is very unusual.  I am running worst than I've ever ran before.  And I have ran pretty bad.  This is just sick, this is definitely gonna be the hardest obstacle I will foresee in this challenge.  I've cut down my volume a little bit, four my worst days of my poker career occurred last week.  To have four of your top eight worst days ever in one week is highly unusual.  It makes you start to think if maybe you're being exposed, or if you're doing something different.  Then I thought it's a turbo you can't really expose players that bad.  Then I thought to myself, you know what's really going on, mathematically very possible just not likely.  This downswings three times bigger than any downswing I've ever experienced got me wondering if I can make it.  Since making this thread about my life, which was just a quick clip has got a lot of people asking me a lot of questions.  usually i will  help anybody out but until I start winning again I feel like you're asking the wrong person, confidence in poker is a great thing.  They can be bad if you're over playing your hands.  Right now my confidence is shot.  I understand now why boku didn't respond in his thread for two months while on his downswing.  This is why I never tried to become a professional poker player because of the emotional side, I'm not the most talented poker player but I am a grinder, my last session I won 1000 dollars in about an hour.  That is my first good session this month.  I feel like stopping here 'cause I don't want to find out if I'm still running really fucking bad.  I need five solid days of  poker to reach my second milestone which is worth 3400.  That would sure ease the pain.  For everybody that supports me thank you.  I do not feel like being a mentor to anyone until I become a winner again.  In all honesty im only up 40 thousand in grinding most of that have come in the last eight months.  As long as I break even I can make about nine grand in bonuses in 1 month but none of that matters if i lose 7k in 1 week.  That last session did help my confidence a little bit I'm going after the idiots at night a lot more like back in the day cause its easier to profit there.  I feel so sick 7 grand in 1 week is a lot of money to me that crippled my online roll and has me wondering if I'm going to have to dip in to my bank account, and themes not a lot in there.  If it don't turn around then this pursuit will be over, as i recover I will double my bankroll this time, in the next couple months I promise I will spend less and try to double where i usually carry my bankroll at, which is usually 10 to 15k, I never had a downswing for more than like 4k maybe max over a long stint not a fucking week, I thought there was no need, i see now with the volume i put in i really need at least 20k minimum to do this just in case your blabbing to much about what your doing and pokerstars decides to hit your DOOMSWITCH. I cant update as much as some of you may like due to the fact that i’m a lazy stonner.  Thats it for now lets hope the next update is me saying what the fuck was that last week

Down 6k this week

Today I'm writing this blog.  Without typing, I’m using my new laptop with voice activated controls. Everything I say, it types for me. I would like to take the time to let you know my state of mind. I'm currently on the worst downswing of my life, it seems to be  harder to grind when you're losing.  I have not had a losing month in over a year, but it looks like it may be in jeopardy. After my time off I have lost about six grand this week.  Which is a lot of money to me, it is half the bankroll I keep on poker stars.  That is about 180 buyins the most prior to this was about 100 buyins.  About double, I feel like screaming.  I'm playing bad and running bad that is not a good combination. However, I have to look at the good side of it. For a second I thought I was invincible and could not lose total profit in a month. I think what happened was I got into a zombie like Zone and I ran extremely terrible.  But enough crying, every day is Getting so repetitive is not even funny.  I wake up around nine.  Some days I shower although hygiene is not as important as it used to be.  Especially now that I can go all week without seeing anyone.  As I'm waking up I browse the forums on two plus two.  Then by 10 I am usually grinding.  I load up Pandora music, open up table Ninja and began my session.  On most days I can finish 200 by four.  Then it's back to two plus two.  I usually play a little more to get ahead.  Then before I know it is ten and that's what I do or have done every day but 1 week this year.  Pretty boring stuff.  But this is my life this is what I do.  This is all I do.  I think I'm going to try not to play 40 tables at once anymore instead I'll play 30.  Which is actually a big difference.  At the end of the week I will hit a milestone bonus for 3400.  That will ease the pain.  I smoke a lot of chronic, Californias finest some may say I'm pretty pathetic others may say that boy is got heart and is determined.  Getting to supernova elite playing medium stake sng’s Its so hard only a few people do it.  I'm just a normal guy that feels like he is trying to accomplish the impossible.  If this can motivate one person then it was all worth it.  I'm currently 180k vpps,  which is a little over 100k behind pace.  I won't get into the x trying to get back with me.  This is already too long and I'm having too much fun with my new voice type.  I'm not proof reading this so I hope it made sense.

corrections

I would like to just make a correction, I love my kids and feel terrible about the last blog, Just feel so overwhelmed this whole year and Its hard to keep playing every day with the emotional side of poker, I still will see my kids and feel so bad Im going to order them clothe and shoes today and send there mother money for food, I dont want to be this guy that is half crazy in his head. I dont feel sain anymore I cant explain it, well ill make a new blog after this month is up
which will be the worth month in a year

9 days off Doubts already brewing

GOT MY KIDS

okay, I have not had the chance to play as of late, I had my children for a week, in my head when I planned this pursuit I thought I would have a lil help when I got my children, after this week I now know I can not rely on the X for anything, I asked her if she could please respect my work and just take the kids for 4 hours a day, Not negoitable no way, I guess her reasoning is I only see the kids for a week a month and I need to spend as much time as possible with them, I tried everything, Money, comprimise and anything else I could think of to get her to help me, I really love my kids but now I feel like I have been forced to choose between this pursuit and my kids. No brainer right, wrong, Im choosing the pursuit My heart feels so much pain that I could ever choose anything over my kids is crushing me. If I have to go the next 8 months without seeing my kids I will, My lease is up a part of me wants to run to a cabin and not return until its done, I feel like Im changing as a person and it may not be for the best, a part of me hates the mother of my kids a little more because she is just a worthless nothing. It was okay when she was the love of my life because at least she was my worthless nothing.

How can any parent choose something anything over there children its disgusting, I spent my whole life rescenting my mom for it and when I was with the "X" her mom chose a man over her kids as well. I promise I will come back for them when this is all over, there really is no chance that the x would ever let that happen, she knows our kids need there father and if she has to drop them off on my door step she will. I just need help I cant grind 40 tables and watch my kids im not that talented, the games are to slow at night when i finally have a chance to play, Im using this blog to just say whats in my heart, I love my kids but I cannot fail this pursuit, I cant, I wont, its whats important to me, its what help me not feel the pain anymore, when I stop playing and I stop the pursuit its like I have to deal with the heart sinking feeling that just stays constant in my chest, I have a good heart i really do but i have to do this for me i feel for my life to have any meaning its pretty sad so kids go back with there mother on friday and my mom convinces me to go to the family reunion in nevada

Trip to nevada

Before I tell you what happen on my trip I need you guys to understand a little part of my life, I come from a long Line of sick gamblers, My mom, grandma, aunt, uncle, sister,granpa all were really big on gambling, when I was growing up my family reunions were held in casinos, my mom use to just feel my pocket with quarters and leave me in the arcade. Trips to disneyland for vacation, HELL NO, you mean trips to Excalibur is where are family vacations were held, being a week back on pursuit what the fuck did 2 more days even mean anyways

arrived at tropicana in laughlin Nevada at 10 am on saturday, droped off bags and straight to the bar, asked for a shot of tequila and a budweiser, drop 100 in keno playing 2 dollar spins for some dumb reason in 10 minutes and moved on, I lose at everything I touch but just preceed to drink drink drink and drink some more, at 1am in the morning down around 1k at this point i decide to walk across the street to the colorado bell and play poker to limit my losses play until 4am we are about 4 or 5 handed and I let the F word slip, The nazi dealer raises his voice and tells me if hears it again he's picking up my chips, just talked to me in a bad tone, He over did it on the warning, obviously it made me snap, "excuse me" I said, "first Off FUCK YOU and give me a rack im cashing out, and congradulations you just finished off the game, Don't threaten me to pick up my chips up, You think its a luxury for me to play here," oh yea security is bored leaning over the wall of the poker room and heard everything as well as me drop the f word. I cash out dealer cashes me out as well guess he was multi tasking cant remember doesnt say shit and i go back across the way, Finally go back up to room at 6am and realized I have just drank for 20 hours straight, Now I dont drink everday, but every trip i make to the casino is exactly like this, this is not the 1st time i have drank for 3 days and slept avg of 3 hours a night for some reason casino give me an immunity to alcohol to make me be able to not get really drunk, I feel like Im never drunk when im there and i take shots alot when ordering beers mixing shit your not suppose to. bed time 6 am slept till 11am 5 hours sleep and go back down stairs feeling like shit, only thing that fixes this feeling is another cocktail here we go again,

SUNDAY

we are leaving 9 am monday, sunday was exactly like saturday except I won 300 or something I think i was down like 1200 on trip which kinda makes me mad cause i usually roll them dice a lil better than that :) gamble gamble gamble drink drink drink, meet some people smoke some dank gets real late, and keeps getting later, without realizing it part to the fact that my phone went dead 9 am came up quick,
so now at this point ive been drinking 17 hours straight, I had forgot to go to sleep oh well time to pack up and leave, Im starting to think I dont even need a room when at a casino i can just live on the floor, trip was exactly 47 hours
6 spent sleeping and 41 spent drinking and gambling, get home at noon and pass out around 2pm, just woke up and man wtf happen this weekend i mean i know cause im writing about it but jesus christ im ready to stay at my computer until wsop when i may decide to play an event, tl;dr

supernova elite pursuit

Im sure for those of you who are here know how important it is for me to go from 50k vpps in 2009 to 1 million in 2010, im currently at 162k and have alot of ground to make up, In a couple of days I will attempt to play at least 300 sng turbos a day for 30 days straight, that should help me knock a dent in this pursuit,